KR | Under The Covers Newsletter
Welcome to Under The Covers, your monthly cultural recommendations that invite you to grow and expand in the sensual sphere.
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Secretary. Film.
This indie must watch sexy movie offers revealing layers with every viewing. My latest realization: the relationship between Lee Holloway (Maggie Gyllenhaal) and E. Edward Grey (James Spader) highlights how attuned lovers develop a private, unspoken language of desire. Even if youâve never been drawn to dom/sub dynamics, the filmâs evolving and unconventional themes invite a deeper question: What truly defines sex?
A bold and witty deep dive into 10,000 years of marriage, I Donât by Susan Squire unpacks how this constantly evolving institution directly shapes society, politics, and our personal ideals. Drawing on 13 years of thorough research, Squire takes readers on a lively quest from ancient paternity myths to the more modern ideals of "love marriages"ârevealing the many unexpected ways marriage has influenced human history. Rich with everything from Sumerian legends to Victorian etiquette, her sharp, witty voice challenges the romanticized notions of partnership. I read this book years ago and I still find myself referring to it regularlyâŚ.it is that thought provoking!
Susan in an interview about the book: âEveryone on the outside wants in, everyone on the inside complains about being there, and yet ex-insiders tend to go back for more -- once, twice, ten times. It works in strange and mysterious ways, confounding even the couple involved. This is the monster that people can't live with yet can't live without; no society that calls itself civilized is without some form of marriage.â
Even after knowing all Susan does about marriage, she chooses to remain married đ.
Our clearest window into how AI is reshaping romance is to watch it up closeâŚand thatâs exactly what journalist Sam Apple does. He organizes a weekend retreat at a remote house for three humanâAI couples, immersing himself in their daily lives to explore what it means to be in a relationship with a digital partner. Over the course of the experiment, participants reveal profound emotional and sexual bonds with their AI companions, and also grapple with blurred boundaries between simulation and genuine feeling. Tensions rise when an AI abruptly shifts its demeanor, exposing the fragility of these relationships and prompting Sam and the reader to reflect on whether love with AI can ever be truly authentic in the face of power imbalances and the impermanence of the platform itself.
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The Madonna-Whore Complex: Session.
This week in a session, a client told me, âI love her deeply..more than anythingâŚ.and I want to stay married. I just donât want to have sex with her.â
There it is: the MadonnaâWhore complex, laid bare. Freud wouldâve nodded from his ivory tower. This is exactly what he described back in 1908.
Over the years, many have tried to unpack why some men (and, in my practice, occasionally women) split their partners into two categories: the Madonnaâpure, saintly, deserving of loveâand the Whoreâsexual, degraded, worthy of desire but not devotion. Imagine building a relationship when to love someone means placing them on a pedestal, but to want them sexually, to allow them to experience your desire, means knocking them off the pedestal into the gutter.
Yes, patriarchal conditioning plays a role (at least that's what all the literature points to), and in my work, the roots always run deeper and more personal. Again and again, you can trace the split back to an early relationship with a primary caregiver who was emotionally intrusive or overbearing, demanding emotional attunement and the suppression of the childâs own needs and wants. The unspoken message: be a good little boy, take care of me and others, and bury anything too raw, too human, too wantingâŚ
The result? Adult relationships where love and lust feel mutually exclusive. Where erotic pleasure is reserved for someone else, someone outside the sacred container of love.
This dynamic can be painful and deeply confusing. And, it's not a dead end. With the right support, people can heal the internal split between love & desire and begin to bring their full erotic selves into a relationship thatâs loving.
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Peter Gabriel, âSlegehammerâ. Chart Peak: 1, Peak Date: Jul. 26, 1986. Song
Bet you didnât know Sledgehammer was all about sex?
Peter Gabrielâs 1986 hit might sound more quirky than steamy at first, yet a quick glance over the lyrics will leave you blushing. Beneath the upbeat horns and infectious groove is a jungle of innuendo. Steam trains, honeybees, and yes, âbig dippersââall cleverly disguised as metaphors for desire. Thought Sledgehammer was about power tools? Think again.
Sexiest lyric: âOpen up your fruit cage, where the fruit is as sweet as can be.â
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