How to Ask for What You Want in a Relationship

Many people in relationships twist and contort themselves around their partner and forget about the things they want.

Often this happens right at the beginning of a relationship, in what's called the merging phase. Once the merging phase ends, the things you want that are different from your partner begin to show up more often. This is where many relationships can start to get a bit rocky.

Your differences are not the problem

This is the moment when you come into contact with what you want and realize your partner might want something different. Here's where people can get defensive.

Instead of feeling threatened, I'd recommend reframing that potential conflict: you are two different people, and differences can be a tool for growth. Allowing for autonomy in a relationship can improve not only your self-esteem but also your sex life.

To understand more about how this can improve your sex life, Esther Perel's book Mating in Captivity goes much further into this idea. Her TED talk on desire in long-term relationships is a good place to start.

You might not get all of it, and that's OK

When you ask for what you want, be aware that you might not get all of it. Your partner might happily give you everything because it lines up with what they want too. They might not be able to give you any of it. Or you may meet somewhere in the middle.

What matters here is that you ask. No one can give you what you are not asking for. The answer is always "no" until you ask.

Let's take a heated topic: "I want more sex in our relationship." This is a great desire!

If you're the one asking

Pick your moment. When you decide to share your desires and needs, choose a time when you'll actually be able to talk about them. Don't bring it up as you walk into your parents' house, as you arrive at a party, or on a phone call at work.

If you're not great at picking those moments, ask your partner first.

Script 1: Opening the conversation

"Is this a good time to talk about something that's been coming up for me about us? It's not an emergency, but it matters to me. If now's not good, can we pick a time this week?"

Don't sit on it for months. Pick a good time, but don't keep your needs to yourself for months at a time. They only fester and grow. If you wait a month to say something, by the time you do, it will have become huge in your head, and resentment will likely have been building the whole time.

Say how it feels, not what they're doing wrong. When you share, talk about how this need feels to you. Try your best not to use blaming words like "you never," "you always," or "you make me." No one is perfect: not you, not me, not your partner.

Talk about how it's affecting you. Let them know why you want this and how it would feel to get it.

Script 2: Making the ask

"I miss having sex with you. I'd love for it to happen more often. When we do, I feel close to you and wanted, and when it's been a long time, I start to feel lonely. What do you think? What would make it easier or more appealing for you?"

Be gentle with yourself if you start to get defensive because your need isn't met with open and loving arms right away. That's normal. Breathe, and keep listening.

If you're the one listening

ALL needs are worth considering, even if you never intend to meet them.

When you're listening to your partner's needs, before you decide whether you want to or can meet them, try to really understand what they want and why. How would getting this make them feel? Validate the need.

I'll say it again: all needs are worth your consideration. That does not mean you have to meet the need. It means your partner has this need and wants you to know it and understand them better.

They are opening up to you. If you want them to keep opening up, don't make them feel bad for revealing something about themselves. Once you really get what your partner is expressing, then you can share how you feel about it.

Script 3: Listening first

"Thank you for telling me. Let me make sure I get it: you're missing sex, and when it's been a while you feel lonely and less wanted. Is that right? I want to think about what I can offer, and I want to tell you honestly where I am, too."

Notice what that script doesn't do. It doesn't agree to anything yet. It doesn't argue. It just makes sure your partner feels heard before you answer.

Start this week

Pick one small thing you've been wanting and haven't said. Use Script 1 to find a time, and Script 2 to say it.

Get out there and share your needs.

If you keep having the same conversation and landing in the same place, that's what couples sessions are for. Learn how I work with couples.