How to Give a Compliment That Actually Feels Good

"I can live for two months on a good compliment." – Mark Twain

Complimenting someone is one of my favorite things to do. If I see something I like about a person, I just say it right then and there.

Even people who have a hard time taking compliments love it when someone notices something special about them. You can compliment someone you just met on a first date or your partner of 30 years. It is never too early or too late to start showing appreciation for the people around you.

Why couples stop saying it

With couples, I have noticed that they often hesitate to compliment one another. No offense, ladies, but you are worse than the men.

Most men rarely hear that they are sexy, look good, or smell nice. I have a theory that many women are so preoccupied with the way they look that they don't look up and see who is right in front of them. Or they tell me they didn't know their partner needed the reassurance: "I thought he just knew I thought he was handsome."

Even if we know our partner thinks we look, smell, and taste good, it feels so good to hear it out loud.

I am not recommending excessive praise, or suggesting that compliments are the only positive thing you can offer your partner. What I'm suggesting is that you take the time to notice how lovely they look, and tell them. If you feel happy to be next to them and excited that they are your partner, say that.

In the very funny Harvard Sailing Team sketch "Boys Will Be Girls", they joke that women expect a personalized compliment every few seconds. I am not suggesting that either. But the joke does show how, socially, women tend to expect and get more compliments than men.

When the compliment gets stuck

I once worked with a client whose wife told him over and over that she wanted him to say more about how he felt about her, especially how she looked.

In sessions without her in the room, he would tell me he thought she was so beautiful. We explored the last time he thought she looked incredible. He described it: "She was getting dressed for our dinner with friends and put on this tight, red little dress. Her hair was perfect and she had on these big high heels. She looked really good."

He was clearly noticing his desire for her. He just struggled to get the compliment out of his mouth.

If that's you, start by saying exactly what you'd tell a friend. "You look really good in that dress" is enough.

Complimenting a date

Many people who are dating struggle with when and how to compliment their date. Sometimes there is a fear that a compliment will make you come off as needy or desperate.

I say NAY!

If you are on a first date with someone and you like them, you are probably thinking they are sexy and maybe want to see them naked. Let your desire be there. Tell them you think they look beautiful, or handsome.

Depending on how the energy is running in a new encounter, it might not be time to share that you want to get them naked and lick them from head to toe. But you can definitely let them know you're attracted to them.

Examples for different relationships

Specific beats general. Here are some starting points:

• A new date: "I've been enjoying talking with you. You're easy to be around." Or, "That color looks great on you."
• A long-term partner: "I still get a little thrill when you walk into a room." Or, "You were so good with the kids tonight. It's sexy watching you do that."
• A partner, in bed: "I love the way you touch me there." Or, "You feel amazing."
• A friend: "You always know the right question to ask. I really value that."
• Someone who deflects compliments: Say it, then let it sit. You don't need them to agree. "I know you'll wave this off, but I mean it. You look beautiful."

Try this for one week

If you struggle to notice what you like or find sexy about your partner, take a few days to consciously look for things you enjoy. Write them down if that helps.

Then tell them. One specific compliment a day, for a week.

Remember: most people have a hard time taking a compliment. If you say it and it seems to roll right off, try not to make their brush-off about you. Over time, your partner will get much better at hearing how amazing and sexy they are.

Some of my favorite compliments I have gotten

• You look really nice today.
• You are really fun to hang out with.
• You have such a great ass.
• You have a great touch.
• I think you have great hair.
• I love your curves, they fit you.
• You are so fun to play with.
• I like the way you dress.
• You have beautiful eyes.
• Great insight.

As you can see from the list above, this is not rocket science. It is actually quite simple.

Happy complimenting.

– Keeley

Want more of this? Everything I teach clients about desire, pleasure and talking about sex is in The Sex Class, at your own pace.