Intimacy During Lockdown: Reflections from 2020

This post is from April 2020, written in the first weeks of the Covid-19 lockdowns. The lockdowns are over, but the three practices below still work for any couple who spends a lot of time under one roof. For more on keeping desire alive, see The Sex Class.

In times like these, with the changes the global pandemic brings, even great couples are being put to the test. Little did we know that when we joked about our partners being our "ride or die," we'd actually have to prove it.

So, how is your "ride or die" partnership working out for you?

I'd be willing to bet that even if you're still getting along and (mostly) speaking kindly to one another, your sexual intimacy is struggling. (Of course, if you and your partner are having difficulty communicating, you'll want to address that before focusing on your sexual world.)

Our routines have changed by necessity, not by choice. All of our lives have been directly affected by the coronavirus pandemic. One client joked with me that this is most likely the closest we'll ever get to the feeling of being locked in prison. These unknown times lead to heightened levels of stress in our minds and bodies.

What doesn't respond well to unpredictable stress? Sexuality and eroticism.

For the last three weeks, I've been helping clients work through these shifts. Many people need help and feel lost about how to create closeness. I've also been applying some new strategies in my own romantic relationship.

Below are three ideas to start with to cultivate more erotic intimacy in your relationship during this lockdown.

1. Allow for individuality and space

Sex, desire, and lust are driven by the unknown. We need to feel safe, and we also need some tension to bump up against to build erotic energy.

When a couple is locked in the same house, the day-to-day becomes routine. Maybe your life feels more like the movie Groundhog Day than real life. Sheltering in place leaves very little room to have your own unique adventure.

Esther Perel is one of the best-known writers on desire. In her book Mating in Captivity, she stresses the importance of independence in our sexual lives. If a couple is too intertwined and codependent, their sexual connection fades.

So what do we do when a quarantine removes the built-in opportunities for the individual experiences that keep the erotic connection alive?

We create space for some alone time.

Some things to try:

• Exercise separately
• Take solo walks
• Listen to your own podcasts (with your headphones on)
• Have your own calls with friends, without the other person
• Cook a meal for the two of you, but only one person makes it (you're looking for the feeling "I accomplished something myself")
• Take an online course, alone

Basically, do some things by yourself.

You might be thinking, "Um, Keeley, shared experiences help people feel close." Yes, it's important to share our worlds, thoughts, feelings, and activities to create closeness. However, closeness does not create lust. Again and again in my work, I see that over-enmeshment dampens erotic desire.

This independence might also mean letting yourselves have different opinions about the state of the world right now. Maybe you want to be proactive, gain new skills, or watch the news obsessively, while your partner wants to talk about feelings and rest more.

Allowing space for each of you to move through these changes in your own way is not only okay, it's essential to maintaining your individuality.

To be clear, this is not about putting walls between you and your partner. I'm not suggesting you push them out or act cruel. We actually need to be kinder during times of stress. Our hearts are scared and many people are on edge.

So while quality bonding time matters, your sexual connection is heightened when you give yourselves a chance to miss each other.

2. Connect daily with your appreciation for your partner

How often are you connecting with gratitude for your lover?

One of the most powerful ways to quickly change our mood is to connect with what we're grateful for. I want you to create a habit, the way you might with a gratitude journal, of appreciating your partner and sharing it with them.

First, simply notice: what might you be taking for granted in your relationship? What are you expecting? What do you feel entitled to? (Quick reminder: you're not entitled to anything.) This could be during this crisis or from before.

It could be anything: cooking, cleaning, interesting conversations, turning the lights on or off, choosing good movies (having the Netflix ready when you sit down), laughing, feeling another human's energy, hugs and physical contact.

I'm sure there are things you receive from your partner that you're grateful for. Imagine they weren't sheltering in place with you, and share what you appreciate with them.

When you share what you're thankful for, also name the quality you love.

For instance, maybe you're grateful for the meal your partner cooked.

Say: "Wow, you do such a great job taking care of us. I feel nourished by our food. When I eat this, I can feel how much love you put into it. Thank you for taking time out of your day to keep us well fed. You're doing a really great job taking care of us during this difficult time. Thank you for being so caring."

When we share not only what we appreciate, but why, and how it makes us feel, our partners can fully enjoy our delight. That's very different from "Thanks for the meal" or "Wow, this looks good." Over time, sharing more of your inner world this way expands and deepens the connection between you.

As I mentioned earlier, to connect with erotic energy we first need a sense of safety. With so much uncertainty about the future, many people feel unsettled and need reassurance. Sharing your gratitude with your partner helps them feel more grounded in your relationship.

This practice also pulls us into the present moment. Our brains stop scanning the uncertain future and come back to what's right in front of us. Speaking your appreciations builds closeness, and it also helps your mind focus.

Connecting with your appreciation and sharing it with your lover creates two opportunities for growth: one between you and yourself, and one between you and your lover.

3. Create new pre-sex rituals

Many couples who keep a good sex life going have pre-sex rituals: looks, gestures, and touches that happen between them and say, "Let's do this, baby."

When our lives get disrupted, those rituals are forced to change.

Take a typical date night before the lockdown. So many preparations and routines go into those nights. The date starts when you both agree on a time. On the day, you groom and get dressed. Maybe you savor the drive. For most people, the time and conversation on the date have special meaning. And don't you relish the shared looks, touches, and gestures?

If you really examine the rituals that usually come before your erotic evenings, you'll quickly see that being shut in your house removes so many of them. It's easy to get lazy or lose sight of how important it is to contribute to our erotic worlds.

In times like these, you need to create new rituals. They have to be exciting and creative, and you need to invest energy and time in them.

Imagination is your best friend!

Use your past experiences as a starting point. What pre-sex rituals worked before? Did you like them? Can you still use or expand on them? Are there new ideas you've been wanting to introduce? What do you want to explore?

How about taking turns reading an erotic novel to each other? A strip tease? A silent dinner where you serve your lover? Float the idea first and see what gets a real yes from your partner.

My partner and I have been expanding on our "Lockdown Date Night." One person plans the whole evening and the other goes along for the ride. We've been to the island of Santorini (thanks, YouTube), seen a comedy show on Zoom, and had a scavenger hunt around the house, to name a few.

Playfulness is a must here. For many people, being playful might seem unsexy or even silly. But if you've ever worked with me, you know that for our deeper creative erotic energy to flow, we must be deeply connected to the carefree part of ourselves.

Find endless ways to turn your home into the art studio of an inventive erotic mastermind.

Remember, whatever you create, the effort itself says a lot to your partner. Sex is about having fun, not being perfect. It doesn't need to be a flawlessly acted Broadway play.

Be gentle with yourselves

In times like these, with all the craziness of Covid-19, we have to be willing to learn new skills, try new things, and mix up our routines. We have to make the effort to cultivate our erotic intimacy. Our sexual worlds depend on our ability to be flexible, inventive and open.

With all of the above, remember that we're in a time of grief. If you read this and your body says "no thank you," trust where you are right now. It's okay, and pretty normal, not to feel erotic desire during stressful times. If that's you, tell your partner what's happening inside you. You can always come back to these ideas when you're feeling more open to pleasure.

Want more of this? Everything I teach clients about desire, pleasure and talking about sex is in The Sex Class, at your own pace.