How the Word 'Should' Is Killing Your Sex Life

You should be like this. You should do that. If you want a healthy sex life, you should try this with your partner. There are "shoulds" in every direction you turn these days. People, other people you have never met, are telling you how you should act. In graduate school, I heard the phrase "shoulding all over yourself" as a play on "shitting all over yourself." Not a very pleasant thought, right? To imagine shitting all over yourself is quite the scene. Yet when we "should" ourselves (aka compare, try to measure up to others, do as we are told against our own better judgment), we are doing just that.

So how is this affecting your sex life?

One of the most common and earliest conversations I have with people in sessions is about what is normal. Are they normal, are their desires normal, are they doing it right? Then come sentences like: "I heard I should be doing this. I should just do that more." This shaming of the self, and disconnecting from what is true for you, is simply not sexy. Worse, it is killing your sex life. Comparing yourself to others and trying to measure up is robbing you of the chance to find out what is real for you in the moment.

How can you get what you want out of the experience?

Not sure what you want, you say?

Welcome. Welcome to the state of "not being sure," which is a huge part of being human. Especially being a human trying to have a connected, loving and intimate relationship with another human. For the most part, we are all just trying to figure out what it is we want and need, moment to moment. We don't actually know until we arrive there.

Take, for instance, the question of whether you and your partner are having sex often enough. I hear comments like, "I heard we should be having sex five times a week. That means we're in love and our relationship is going well." How often you have sex does not necessarily represent how well your relationship is going. A better measure might be: Are you happy and satisfied? Do you feel like you're getting your needs met? When you're with your partner, does it feel meaningful? Do you feel they care about your needs, physical and emotional?

If you should yourself into trying to have more sex, you most likely won't be that into it. Simply following what you think you should do will leave your sexual experience empty and meaningless.

When we make decisions from a should place, we skip over our own sense of what we need. It's basically like saying to yourself, "I don't trust what you want; I trust what others are telling me." You can see how, over time, this mentality could leave someone very confused about their own needs.

Other things people should about: I should get off from oral sex. I should get off from penetration. I shouldn't have sex on a first date. I should be turned on by just a kiss. I should look a certain way.

I could talk for days about the shoulds (and shouldn'ts) people have shared with me. The list goes on and on. So what are some more constructive questions to ask yourself when things don't seem to be going quite right, ones that won't kill your sex life?

How about:

Are we happy with the amount of sex we're having? Do I feel satisfied with how our sexual interactions happen? Do I feel comfortable initiating? Does my partner feel comfortable initiating? Are we having fun? Do we feel connected?

Do I want to have sex with this person? Do I find them attractive? What about them am I attracted to? Does this feel like the right thing for me in the moment?

Do I want to get off from oral sex? Is that possible for me and my body? Can I talk to my partner about this?

Do I enjoy penetration? Does my partner know how I like it? How do they know that? Are there different positions I would like to try?

It's about deepening into what you actually get turned on by, not about engaging sexually the way other people think you should. It's about learning to trust yourself.

– Keeley

Want more of this? Everything I teach clients about desire, pleasure and talking about sex is in The Sex Class, at your own pace.