Body Acceptance: Feeling More at Home in Your Body

Everyone has one: a body we walk around in every day. Our bodies can give us immense pleasure and joy, and they take us places, literally and metaphorically.

One of my favorite things to explore with clients is their relationship with their own body. And what I've noticed, both in my work and in learning about my own body, is how hard it can be to feel at peace in it. We can be our bodies' harshest critics.

Where body shame comes from

Most of us learn how to feel about our bodies from other people and from the media.

I remember hitting puberty at 15. One day I was hanging out with my boyfriend and his best friend, and I wasn't wearing a bra. His friend said, "Wow, you have really pointy boobs, and it looks like you have big nipples." He meant it to sting.

I didn't think much of this guy to begin with. But what he said still stung my fragile 15-year-old training-bra ego. It took me years to be happy with the shape of my breasts and to love them for the teardrop shape they have.

I once worked with a client who carried a lot of shame about the hair on his face; specifically, that he didn't have much. He felt so betrayed by his face that he had stopped looking in the mirror.

He had been badly bullied about it. Years later, long after he'd left those people behind, the same voices were still running in his head every day. The bullying had gone on so long that he didn't know how to relate to his own body without them.

As we looked into the mirror together and talked about it, he started to soften. For a brief moment, he felt some compassion for himself.

This isn't your fault

I used to frame this as "Is the world rejecting your body, or are you?" I'd put it differently now.

The harsh voice in your head almost always started somewhere outside you: a comment, a bully, a family member, a magazine, a feed full of impossible standards. You learned it. It isn't a personal failure that it stuck.

What you can do is start to notice that voice, and to question whether it gets the final word.

You don't have to love your body

Body love is lovely when it comes. But it isn't required, and for a lot of people it feels like one more thing to fail at.

There's another option: body neutrality. Your body doesn't have to be beautiful to deserve care. It can simply be yours, the place you live, the thing that lets you breathe, move, taste and feel pleasure.

Some days you might like what you see. Some days you'll feel neutral. Some days will be hard. All of that is allowed.

A gentle mirror practice

When you're ready, and only then, try this. If undressing feels like too much, start clothed, or start with just your hands or your face. Work up to more over time, or don't.

Stand in front of a mirror and take a slow breath. Then ask yourself:

• What do I see?
• What do I like, even a little?
• What is hard to look at?
• What is easy to look at?
• What has this body done for me lately?

When you find a difficult area, see if you can notice the messages that part of you has received over the years. Maybe something someone said, like that guy said to me or the bullies said to my client. Maybe something you absorbed from beauty standards no real body meets.

See if you can recognize that those aren't your words. They're other people's.

Then, if you can, offer that part of your body something kind, or at least neutral. "You didn't do anything wrong." "You're allowed to be here." Even a few seconds counts.

Your ass, chest, skin, hair or lack of hair never tried to hurt you. Some people in the world may still be unkind about your body. But every time you meet it with a little less judgment, there's one less voice against you, and that's a really good start.

If looking at your body brings up something heavier, like a history of disordered eating or trauma, please don't do this alone. A therapist can be a good companion for that work.

Happy loving,
– Keeley

Want more of this? Everything I teach clients about desire, pleasure and talking about sex is in The Sex Class, at your own pace.