How to Talk Dirty When You Feel Awkward About It

Most people who tell me they "can't do dirty talk" aren't short on desire. They're short on practice.

The words feel strange in their mouth. They hear themselves say something sexy out loud and want to disappear under the covers.

That's normal. Dirty talk is a skill, and every skill feels clumsy at the start. Here's how I teach it, one small step at a time.

Step 1: Get comfortable with the words

Usually the hard part isn't the idea of dirty talk. It's the words themselves.

Cock. Pussy. Wet. Hard. Fuck. If you grew up in a house where sex wasn't said out loud, those words can feel like a lot, even when you're alone.

So start alone. Say them out loud in the shower, in the car, while you do the dishes. Do it most days for a few weeks. Notice which words you like, which make you cringe, and which start to feel ordinary with repetition.

You're not trying to love every word. You're finding your own vocabulary.

Then find out your partner's. Words that turn one person on can shut another person down. Some people love "cock." Some people hear it and check out. You won't know unless you ask.

Try this outside the bedroom, somewhere relaxed:

"I'd like to try more dirty talk. Want to each write down three words we love hearing and three we never want to hear?"

Swap lists. Laugh if you need to. Agree that the "never" words are off the table, and that either of you can add to that list anytime.

Step 2: Turn words into sentences

Once a few words feel okay in your mouth, put them into sentences. Make one sentence for each word you've practiced. Write them down if that helps.

You don't have to start at full heat. Here are starter phrases at three levels. Borrow them, change them, or ignore them.

Mild (suggestive and easy to say)

• "I've been thinking about you all day."
• "I love how you feel."
• "Come here."
• "Don't stop."

Warm (clearly about sex, still soft)

• "I want your hands all over me."
• "You're making me so hard." / "You're making me so wet."
• "Slower. Just like that."
• "Tell me what you want me to do to you."

Explicit (for when you both want it)

• "I want you inside me." / "I want to be inside you."
• "I love the way you taste."
• "Fuck me."
• "I want to watch you come."

Notice how many of these simply describe what's happening or what you want. That's most of dirty talk. You don't need to be a poet. Saying what's real is hot.

Step 3: Practice your delivery

Dirty talk isn't only about the words. It's how you say them: your pace, where you put the emphasis, when you pause.

Say "come here" quickly, like you're calling someone to dinner. Then say it slowly, with a pause before "here." Same words, very different invitation.

Practice alone first. Then try one line on your partner at a moment that has nothing to do with sex: whispered in the kitchen, or in a text.

Step 4: Use eye contact

Words land harder when you're looking at someone. For a lot of people, eye contact feels more exposing than the words themselves, which is exactly why it creates connection.

If holding someone's gaze feels like too much, start with a glance. Say the line, look at them for a beat, then go back to what you were doing.

Step 5: Play with your tone

A slightly lower, slower voice tends to sound more inviting and more sensual. You don't need to put on a character. Just drop your voice a little and slow down.

Who doesn't like a deep voice in bed?

Check in without killing the mood

Dirty talk is part of a conversation, and your partner's yes matters here the same way it matters for touch. They can change their mind mid-sentence, and so can you.

A check-in doesn't have to sound clinical:

• "Too much, or more of that?"
• "Do you like it when I say that?"
• "Tell me if anything I say doesn't work for you."

Afterward, when you're lying there, ask: "Was there anything I said that you loved? Anything you didn't?"

What if you laugh?

Laugh.

Almost everyone laughs the first few times. It doesn't mean you failed. It means something surprised you, and laughing together in bed is its own kind of intimacy.

Smile, take a breath, and say the line again. Or let it go and try another one next time.

Keep practicing

Come back to these steps over a few weeks. Add one new phrase a week and notice what gets a reaction.

The goal isn't a flawless performance. It's two people getting more comfortable saying what they want. If you'd like more on this, there's a whole section on fantasy and dirty talk in The Sex Class.

Want more of this? Everything I teach clients about desire, pleasure and talking about sex is in The Sex Class, at your own pace.