The First Relationship Question I Ask My Clients

There's one question I want answered in the first session with every new client:

"What makes you difficult to be in a relationship with?"

It tells me a lot about how this person's relationships have been unfolding, and where we need to start.

How self-reflective are you?

This question gives me a sense of how self-reflective and introspective someone has been in their life so far.

We are all difficult at times. When things get rough in a relationship, our fears surround us, we get more defensive, and we become even harder to be close to.

If answering this question is hard for a client, I know right away that this is an area of growth we'll need to address.

Who's to blame anyway? Someone has to be right, don't they?

This question also gives me an idea of how each person contributes to the problems they're having. No couple's trouble is EVER simply one-sided. Each person plays a role in the dynamic of the disconnection.

Taking the blame off one person, and not making them the problem to be "fixed," helps for two reasons.

First, it lets each person feel more in control of their own side and how they're contributing. Second, it spreads out the blame. It's hard for people to soften, grow, and rebuild connection while they feel defensive.

If you want to look at the patterns couples tend to fall into, I wrote about them in Relationship Dynamics: Which One Are You In and How Do You Fix It?

You're human

This question also tells my client that I know they're human. In fact, I expect them to be fully human. I have not yet had a non-human walk through my door.

To be human means making mistakes, falling into our defenses, and losing track of our kindness, groundedness, and ease. I assume everyone who walks through my door experiences the whole range of human emotion, and this question makes space for that.

My own answer

It's a good question to ask yourself on a fairly regular basis: "What makes me difficult to be in a relationship with?"

For me, I'm most difficult when I feel threatened or scared. When I start to feel scared, I can become mean, aggressive, and cold-hearted. I can shut out the people who love me most in an instant.

The complicated part is that I can become fearful and not even know I'm scared. My work lately has been to notice when my body feels scared. Once I can acknowledge my fear, I can meet it instead of reacting to the people around me.

Try it with your partner

Answer the question for yourself first, in writing. Then, at a calm moment, try this:

"I've been thinking about what makes me hard to be with sometimes. I think it's when I ___. I'm not asking you to agree or disagree. I just wanted you to know I see it."

Go first, and don't ask for their answer in return. Owning your side, without bargaining for theirs, is often what makes it safe for your partner to own theirs.

If you keep having the same conversation and landing in the same place, that's what couples sessions are for. Learn how I work with couples.