The Orgasm Trap

Getting stuck chasing the your orgasm is something many of us are familiar with. It seems so normal that it’s become habitual – sex doesn’t “count” unless there’s an orgasm. Both people have to reach climax, right?

With all their splendor and glory, orgasms over focus can create a few negative side effects if you allow them take over your bedroom!

Did you cum?

The biggest pitfall one can fall into is using the orgasm to determining how well the sex went based on the intensity and duration. Rating an experience based on what you "got"  will most likely let you down each time. Even worse, focussing on the end goal will disconnected from the present moment.

Anytime we focus on one thing exclusively, we grow less connected to what we are experiencing right in the moment. Seeing, feeling and tasting all that is going in the moment allows for real connection to the self and to the other.

Take for instance a couple that I have worked with for a few months.  They both wanted more sex but couldn't find a way to engage with one another. Something felt off as they would move into more intimate space. As we got more into what was breaking down between them, she realized her over concern about experiencing orgasm made it difficult for her to enjoy anything else they would do together sexually.

Orgasm + sex = the right way to have sex

The lens she has been viewing sex from made it difficult for her partner to connect with her at all. Helping her more deeply understand that sex doesn't always have to equal orgasm shifted the way she approached their intimacy all together.  As they explored, she learned that there are many sexual acts that she enjoys that do not lead her to orgasm. In turn, her partner was able to relax and they started having much more fulfilling and memorable sex together.

The other big pitfall is only engaging in sex acts that lead to an orgasm. Not only can this potentially result in making sex stale and boring because you are always doing the same thing, but you might also miss out on finding new things that you or your partner really enjoy. If you are always defaulting to the same move out of fear or comfort, you have to try something different next time!

Most of us are rushing around trying so hard to be perform everything perfectly. Getting all our daily tasks completed, animals and kids fed, here and there on time, responding to all our emails and texts that we forget to slow down and enjoy the moment. But what better time to slow down than in sex with your partner?

Orgasm can be the most important part of your sex life, I’m not here to challenge what you like. But if you’d like to add more layers to your experience, you might consider having an orgasm or a few early on with your partner so you can kick back and enjoy all the other things sex have to offer you. If you’re not sure what else sex is about – what a great time to find out!