5 Premature Ejaculation Myths Worth Letting Go

Many men who come to me are struggling with finishing sooner than they want. And many of them arrive carrying the same handful of beliefs about it, beliefs that make it harder to change.

Here are the five I hear most, and what I've seen instead.

Myth 1: It only happens to young men, and you'll grow out of it

Finishing early can happen at any age. I've worked with men from their twenties into their sixties. Some men do grow out of it. Many don't. And some develop it later in life.

One man I worked with started finishing very quickly at 40. It came from a mix of things: he'd been masturbating in a hurry, he felt like his wife wanted sex to be over fast, and they were having sex very rarely. All of that lived in his body as stress. With practice, it took him about two months to get the control he wanted.

Try this: if it started later for you, write down what else changed around that time. Stress, the relationship, your masturbation habits, your health. And if it was sudden, see a doctor too.

Myth 2: Thinking about something unsexy will help you last

I often wonder who came up with this one.

Thinking about something else won't give you control. It takes you out of the moment. Now you're finishing early and you weren't even present enough to enjoy the time you had.

Try this instead: put your attention in your body, not away from it. Notice your breath. Notice where you're tightening. Presence is what gives you choices.

Myth 3: You just need stronger kegels

This is one of the most common misconceptions there is.

Very rarely have I worked with a man whose kegel muscles were too weak. When it happened, there was a specific reason, like surgery or an infection in the area. Far more often, the muscles are overworked and can't relax.

The more relaxed you can keep your whole body during arousal, pelvic floor included, the longer you're likely to last.

Try this: tighten your pelvic floor for a second, then let it go completely. Notice the difference. That release is the feeling you're after during sex.

Myth 4: You can fix this quickly

In my practice, it's taken men anywhere from a few weeks to a couple of years to get the control they want. Occasionally it happens in a week or two. That's the exception.

How long it takes depends on how long you've been struggling and how quickly you finish now. If you've finished within 30 seconds for ten years, masturbation included, expect it to take a few months of practice, maybe longer.

Patience with your body isn't the consolation prize. It's part of the method.

Myth 5 (for partners): He's doing it on purpose

He isn't. In all my years of this work, I have not met a man who was trying to make sex end sooner. Every man I've worked with on this has told me how embarrassing it feels, and how much he wants to last longer. He just doesn't know how yet.

Try saying this: "I know you're not doing this on purpose. I'm on your side. What would help?"

Why it matters

Learning control matters for your partner's pleasure, and for your own. When you're braced for finishing too soon, you can't connect, and you can't enjoy yourself.

If you want a short, structured place to start, my 30-minute PE audio course explains what gets in the way of control and walks you through using your breath to relax while arousal builds. My complete guide to premature ejaculation is a good next read too.

If finishing sooner than you want has become a worry, my PE Mastery video course takes you through the full practice, step by step and at your own pace.