PE Practice, Step 2: Releasing Pelvic Tension (the "Anal Breath")

Next time you're close, notice your butt.

Most men who finish early are clenching: the anus, the pelvic floor, sometimes the thighs and belly too. They don't know they're doing it. And that squeeze is pushing them toward the finish line.

What this step is

I call this step the "anal breath." It's a strange name for a simple idea: as arousal rises, you breathe out and let your anus and pelvic floor soften instead of tighten.

Here's why it matters. Clenching those muscles brings you closer to orgasm. That's useful when you want to come. It's the opposite of useful when you don't.

So the rule is: unless you're trying to orgasm, unclench.

Where these muscles are

Your pelvic floor is the sling of muscle between your legs, from your pubic bone back to your tailbone. Your anus sits at the back of it.

You have two rings of muscle around the anus. The outer one you can tighten and relax on purpose. The inner one works on its own: it keeps you closed at rest and relaxes when you go to the bathroom. So relaxing the outer one won't cause an accident.

If this part of your body makes you squirm, you're not alone. A lot of people carry shame about it. It's worth asking yourself where that came from. You don't have to love it. You just have to be able to feel it.

What about Kegels?

Kegels, squeezing the pelvic floor on purpose, are the standard advice for lasting longer. In my work, I've found little use for them here. Most men who finish early are already squeezing too much.

But a few squeezes are useful for one thing: finding the muscle. Squeeze gently, then let go. That letting go is what you're learning.

How to practice

Outside of arousal first. Do this a few times a day for a week or so, fully clothed, sitting or lying down.

1. Breathe into your belly for a few breaths, like in Step 1.
2. Gently squeeze your anus, as if stopping gas. Hold for a second.
3. Let it go completely. Notice what "released" feels like compared with "squeezed."
4. Now breathe in, and on the out-breath, imagine the breath going all the way down and softening that area. No squeeze first, just the release.

That out-breath with a softening at the bottom is the anal breath.

Then during masturbation. Start at low arousal. Every minute or so, check in: Am I clenching? If yes, breathe out and let it go. As arousal builds, keep checking. You'll notice the clench tends to sneak back the more turned on you get.

Common snags

"I can't tell if I'm relaxed or not." Go back to the squeeze-and-release. The contrast teaches you. It can take a while to feel.

"I relax, and then I'm clenched again ten seconds later." That's normal. The habit is old. Each time you catch it is a repetition.

"Relaxing makes me lose my erection." Sometimes erections soften when you change what you're doing. That's not failure. Breathe, keep touching, and see what happens. If you're having ongoing trouble getting or staying hard, see a doctor to rule out a medical cause.

"It feels weird to focus there." Fair. Stay curious about the weird. It usually fades with practice.

With a partner

Once you can find the release on your own, you can use it during partnered sex too. Nobody needs to know you're doing it. If you'd like your partner's help, ask whether they're willing to slow down when you need a moment, and let them know it's a pause, not a problem.

What to notice before moving on

You're ready for Step 3 when:

• You can find your anal and pelvic floor muscles and tell clenched from relaxed.
• You've caught yourself clenching during arousal at least a few times.
• You can sometimes release the clench with an out-breath, even if it doesn't stay released.

Next: Step 3: Your Arousal and Anxiety Scales
Back to the guide: Premature Ejaculation: My Step-by-Step Coaching Approach

If finishing sooner than you want has become a worry, my PE Mastery video course takes you through the full practice, step by step and at your own pace.