Sex, Intimacy, and Commitment: What Are You Expecting?

When a couple shows up in my office, we start exploring where things went wrong and how they can fix the issue or issues in front of them.

Right away, I lean on three expectations that most people bring to a modern relationship without consciously realizing it: physical intimacy (sex), emotional intimacy (closeness), and commitment.

The answer for each couple is often complicated. But these three give us a map. They may not sound too difficult on the page. Keeping all three alive over time is actually quite complex.

Expectation 1: Sex

Sex is physical intimacy: bodies moving together in an unspoken language of connection.

When people feel satisfied here, they're getting the kind of sex they want, as often as they want it.

Some couples are having really good sex, just not as often as they'd like. Low desire, or responsibilities like child care, zap their energy. Other couples aren't having the kind of sex they want. Maybe one person feels they can't explore the fantasies that interest them, or isn't getting touched or connected with in the way they like.

A disconnect here can definitely leave a couple feeling that something has gone wrong in the relationship.

Talk about it: "On a scale of 1 to 10, how satisfied are you with how often we have sex? And with the kind of sex we have? What's one thing that would move your number up by one?"

Expectation 2: Emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy is sharing and expressing your inner world.

It's coming home from your day and talking about what it felt like to be you: the joys, the pain. It's feeling like you have someone in your corner who will always welcome you. It's being able to fully express yourself and feel seen, heard, and supported. It's sharing your deepest, darkest secrets without shame and without fear of being judged.

Couples who lack emotional intimacy often tell me they don't feel close to their partner. They don't know what their partner is thinking. They don't understand them or get where they're coming from.

These couples often fight a lot and tend to blame each other when something goes wrong. It becomes me against you instead of the two of us as a team.

Talk about it: "When was the last time you felt really close to me? What were we doing?" Then listen without correcting their answer.

Expectation 3: Commitment

Commitment is the full desire and engagement to be in the relationship.

When you're committed to someone, you make plans for your future together. If something goes wrong, you stay present and figure out how to repair it. You're part of each other's lives.

Commitment is both a mindset and an action. The mindset is keeping your partner in mind as you plan your future, picturing them alongside you, and taking their needs and desires into account. The action is how you respond when the relationship struggles.

If one or both people threaten to leave during fights, it can badly shake the sense of commitment and how safe each person feels.

Couples who feel strongly committed also tend to feel woven into each other's lives. They go to social and family events together.

Talk about it: "Is there anything I do, or say during fights, that makes you wonder whether I'm in this for the long haul?"

Do you have to have all three?

Many couples find a way to stay together even if one of these is missing. But both people have to agree that it's OK not to have that part.

For instance, some couples decide after many years of marriage that they're done having sex with each other. They open their relationship so either of them can have sex with other people, while they stay connected through emotional intimacy and commitment. That only works when both people genuinely choose it and keep checking in.

I mention this because if you're reading this and realize you don't actually want one of the three, that's OK, as long as your partner is also OK with it.

But if you're realizing there's something missing that you really need, this is a great time for some honest reflection. Ask yourself:

• What am I missing here?
• What do I really need?
• Am I being fully honest with myself about my deepest needs?
• What would be the best way for my partner to hear them?

Expect to keep adjusting

Relationships keep changing. You don't find one person and move through life together without ever hitting struggle or needing to course correct. In fact, it's often quite the opposite. We're constantly course correcting.

That's a sign you're getting to know yourselves and each other more deeply. Allow for the hiccups, and for what sometimes feels like a major crash.

And perhaps most important: never stop having compassion for your partner, or for yourself. Life is full of challenges, struggle, and pain. It's also full of joy, love, and pleasure. In between those moments, compassion is essential.

If you keep having the same conversation and landing in the same place, that's what couples sessions are for. Learn how I work with couples.