When Life Changes Your Sex Life: Finding Your Way Back

It's happened to all of us at some point.

Day in, day out, you're living a nice, predictable life with all your ducks in a row. Then life throws you a curveball that changes everything, including your sex life.

In 2017, I fell off a horse and broke my leg. (Here are all the juicy, excruciating details of my accident.)

Like any accident, it was unexpected and grossly inconvenient.

It was also a huge eye-opener about how our sexuality changes and evolves over time.

In particular, I thought about what happens to our sexual energy as we face the inevitable ups and downs of life.

Getting older, for example, brings us wisdom and a sense of accomplishment.

On the other hand, many of us feel a definite shift in the way we relate to and feel about sex.

Whether it's a drop in libido, busy careers or putting kids through college, people often assume sex can never be what it used to be.

Hormonal changes are a real factor, and if your desire has dropped suddenly or sex has become painful, see a doctor. But desire is also shaped by your mindset and your circumstances, and those are places where you have more influence than you might think.

Many of my clients who tell me they're not interested in sex assume their bodies are no longer "responsive."

But when we dig deeper, there's often an internal crisis weighing on them from the inside out. You might call these the low points in life.

Low points are hard to talk about with our partners.

It's hard to admit, and to be with, the changes they create in a relationship. Especially if you feel there's not much you can do about it.

Some low points, like my accident, change our physical ability to be sexually expressive.

There are also emotional upheavals most of us will face at some point.

Depression, grief, job loss, medical diagnoses, major life transitions and exhaustion are just a few of the experiences that can change the flow of your sexual energy and how you relate to your body.

Believe it or not, many people struggle with guilt over their lack of sexual energy during these times.

I certainly did after my accident.

As I focused on my recovery, my sex drive was "out of order," so to speak.

My leg was trapped in a cast and I was bound to my crutches. Even getting out of bed to use the bathroom was a major task. The last thing on my mind was sexytime with my partner.

I realized I had to change my expectations of intimacy and sexual expression. I would need to dig deep and find ways to connect with my partner without the full use of my body.

We tend to see these lulls in sexual energy as purely negative.

But they can also be moments that challenge us to be creative.

I remember helping a couple reconnect sexually after years of not being erotic with one another.

After a few months of working together, they were loving the new sex life they had created.

Then one of them came down with a serious illness.

The doctor visits, the research, learning to live with this new disease: it took all the eroticism out of their relationship.

When they came back to see me a few months later, their biggest frustration wasn't the lack of sex. It was the backslide on all the progress they had made.

On a deeper level, they were ashamed of having failed: failing me, failing the process, failing themselves.

The first step in dealing with the shame was accepting that the setback was 100% okay. Accepting that certain things were, are, and will remain out of their control.

The second step was seeing what could still be erotic between them.

To do that, we needed to figure out:

• Did they still want to be sexual with one another during this time? (We revisited this every week, and "not right now" was always an acceptable answer.)
• If they were going to be erotic with one another, what might need to change? Are there positions that are no longer comfortable? Do you need a softer touch? Would a long, hot bath help you get in the mood? What do you need to hear before, during or after?

Another thing I noticed after my accident was a drop in my partner's libido.

There was no reason to feel guilty about depriving him, since he wasn't "feeling it" either. It turns out that seeing me with a serious, debilitating injury was an instant mood-killer for him.

On top of seeing me injured, he was also one of my main caregivers. Boy, talk about a mood-killer.

The nurse-patient dynamic may be sexy as a role-play, but not when you're actually caring for someone around the clock. That level of caring shifted our relationship into something that almost felt parental.

Thankfully, we were able to talk about these changes quite openly and get our relationship back on track.

Sadly, many couples don't talk about these changes and stay stuck in a no man's land of loneliness and sexual deprivation.

With clients, I've found that caretaking is one of the most common reasons couples stop having sex.

That includes emotional caretaking: being the one who listens and comforts and cleans up after everybody else, while putting aside your own needs and feelings.

It can really help to notice when you or your partner became the caretaker.

Many couples accept this as their "new normal," the next chapter in how they relate to one another.

But there's a big difference between caring for each other as lovers and caretaking like a parent.

In my situation, there was no way around the "caretaking like a parent" role for a while.

I mention this because there will be times in your life when you or your partner have no choice but to take on this role.

But you don't need to play it forever.

At some point there may be an opportunity to shift the dynamic back. When you see it, take it.

Of course, there are situations where that opportunity may never come.

Some low points are so big and so life-changing that there's no putting things back the way they were.

Learning to accept what we didn't ask for and never needed is one of life's hardest tasks.

Yes, we grieve what we lost and what we'll never have. And at some point, many of us come to accept the reality of our situation.

When you do, I hope you'll find that your future still holds possibilities.

They may not be the ones you envisioned, but there can still be room for growth, pleasure and play.

Within yourself and within your sexuality.

Let your low point become an opportunity, if and when you're ready, to discover a deeper, more meaningful layer of your erotic self.

Be aware, too, that for many people low points bring big swings in mood.

You were brimming with hope and positivity yesterday; this morning, you can barely get out of bed.

These mood swings affect not only you, but your partner as well.

During these times, it's especially helpful to talk and open up to your partner about your thoughts, your feelings and your whole internal world.

You might start with: "I don't have much sexual energy right now, and it's not about you. Can we find one way to feel close this week that works for both of us?"

Yes, your sex life may be on hold while you work through this.

Yes, things have changed in a way that feels unfair to one or both of you.

But even in all the upheaval, you can keep building emotional intimacy. For long-term physical intimacy, a strong, deep emotional connection is a must.

The takeaway: we can adapt our erotic energy to fit the times and circumstances.

We lead nuanced, complicated lives. Yet we're beautifully sensitive, capable creatures who can often roll with the punches, with time and support.

Whatever life throws at us, we can look for what it might teach us. Growth lets us feel new parts of ourselves, and that can bring new energy to your erotic world as well.

Yes, being injured changed my life in some truly awful ways. I cursed my way through so much of that experience.

But now I can see the ways the accident changed me for the better. I can't say I'm glad it happened, but it taught me lessons I would never have learned anywhere else.

For now, I hope my words serve as a gentle reminder of how to make lemonade when life hands you lemons.

Want more of this? Everything I teach clients about desire, pleasure and talking about sex is in The Sex Class, at your own pace.