Why Can't I Orgasm? My Article for xxTALK

I originally wrote this piece for xxTALK, a program that brought women together to talk about their bodies and pleasure. xxTALK is no longer online, so here are the ideas I most want you to have.

Picture hiking up a mountain. The trail feels good, you're climbing, and then near the top you start going around and around instead of up. That's how it feels for a lot of women who struggle to orgasm: arousal builds, plateaus around a 7 or an 8, and sometimes slides back down.

When a client tells me this is happening, I check three things:

• Sensation. Is your body getting the touch it needs? If the way you get yourself there can't be recreated with a partner, your body has nowhere to go.
• Turn-on. Do you know what gets you in the mood: sweet words, a firm spank, a sexy story, long eye contact? And can you ask for it?
• Emotional openness. Letting go into orgasm takes trust, with a partner and with yourself. If letting go has ever felt unsafe, part of you may hold back even when the rest of you wants to fall.

Then one question: does this happen when you're alone, or mostly with a partner? Alone, start by learning your own body, with no one watching. With a partner, the work is communication: what you want, and what you're afraid of.

And remember, orgasm isn't the point of sex. It's one glorious part of it.

Want more of this? Everything I teach clients about desire, pleasure and talking about sex is in The Sex Class, at your own pace.