What Do You Want to Feel During Sex?

Recently a reader wrote in:

I very much enjoyed your article, 10 Things Sexually Connected Couples Do. My biggest question is around emotional intimacy in long-term relationships. What role does emotion have in long-term sexual satisfaction? Can emotional closeness be a part of the seduction?
— Seeking Intimacy

Hi Seeking Intimacy,

I'm happy you wrote in with this question. People do get confused about the role emotions play in long-term sexual satisfaction.

To open up and show our full erotic self, we have to be willing and able to be present during intimacy. That means being completely ourselves with our partner. Most people would call this kind of "showing up" intimacy. But intimacy is a big catch-all word that describes many different experiences. We each come with our own definitions and needs around it.

In the article you wrote to me about, I don't address the emotional side. For those 10 things to help, your relationship needs to be functioning "well enough."

The parts about respecting each other, sharing openly and being present would be very difficult for couples who are struggling to stay emotionally connected.

That said, even when couples are working through issues that have nothing to do with sex, it's possible to stay sexually connected.

I often ask clients to reflect on why they turn to sex. What do you want to feel? If you go to sex to feel close and connected, you may be looking for emotional intimacy through sex.

For instance, if you want to feel at one with your partner during sex, emotional connection will be a huge part of how you get turned on.

Other people want to feel naughty, powerful, relaxed, penetrated, taken care of, or anything, really. People go to sex to get many different needs met. Do you know what you're looking to get out of it?

Three prompts to find out

Try these on your own first, with a pen:

1. Finish this sentence: "The last time sex felt really good, I felt ______."
2. Pick three words for what you'd most like to feel during sex. (Close? Wanted? Playful? Safe? Wild? Adored?)
3. What helps you get there? A real conversation first? Time to unwind? Laughter? Being told you're desired? Write down one thing.

Then, when it feels right, share one answer with your partner: "When we have sex, I want to feel __. One thing that helps me get there is ____." And invite them to answer the same question.

The first step is learning what you want and need, and then communicating it with your partner.

Thanks for your question,
– Keeley

Want more of this? Everything I teach clients about desire, pleasure and talking about sex is in The Sex Class, at your own pace.