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Intimacy During Lockdown: Reflections from 2020 couples desire intimacy Apr 17, 2020

This post is from April 2020, written in the first weeks of the Covid-19 lockdowns. The lockdowns are over, but the three practices below still work for any couple who spends a lot of time under one roof. For more on keeping desire alive, see The Sex Class.

In times like these, with the changes the...

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When Life Changes Your Sex Life: Finding Your Way Back couples intimacy personal Apr 22, 2019

It's happened to all of us at some point.

Day in, day out, you're living a nice, predictable life with all your ducks in a row. Then life throws you a curveball that changes everything, including your sex life.

In 2017, I fell off a horse and broke my leg. (Here are all the juicy, excruciating det...

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Sex as Meditation: A Past Workshop intimacy past events pleasure Apr 04, 2018

This post is from April 2018. The Sex as Meditation workshops I co-led with H. R. are no longer running. Many of the same ideas about presence, pleasure and desire are part of The Sex Class.

An Introduction to Sex as Meditation: how to turn the erotic into a mindfulness practice.

One of the core b...

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The Orgasm Trap: When Chasing Climax Gets in the Way communication couples intimacy pleasure Dec 29, 2017

For a lot of us, sex doesn't "count" unless there's an orgasm. Both people have to finish, right?

It's so normal that it's become a habit. And like a lot of habits, it can quietly take over your bedroom.

I love orgasms. I'm not here to talk you out of them. But when the orgasm becomes the whole po...

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Sex, Intimacy, and Commitment: What Are You Expecting? communication couples intimacy relationships Sep 21, 2017

When a couple shows up in my office, we start exploring where things went wrong and how they can fix the issue or issues in front of them.

Right away, I lean on three expectations that most people bring to a modern relationship without consciously realizing it: physical intimacy (sex), emotional in...

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A Poem by Alden Nowlan About Human Connection books & culture intimacy personal Aug 12, 2016

Some years ago, I met up with a dear friend for dinner on the East Coast. It had been a few years since we'd connected; he's a very busy person. That year, he'd been working on a PBS documentary about intimacy, traveling the world and interviewing the Dalai Lama.

Of course, I was curious. "What hav...

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Body Acceptance: Feeling More at Home in Your Body intimacy personal pleasure Apr 20, 2015

Everyone has one: a body we walk around in every day. Our bodies can give us immense pleasure and joy, and they take us places, literally and metaphorically.

One of my favorite things to explore with clients is their relationship with their own body. And what I've noticed, both in my work and in le...

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How to Be a Good Lover: Yes, You Can Learn communication intimacy pleasure Feb 17, 2015

Amazing lovers are made, not born.

The reality is, amazing lovers are not automatically born into amazing-lover status. Someone taught them how to touch, kiss, lick, grab, and hold. Every day I have conversations with people, clients and friends alike, who are concerned about their performance in b...

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Sexless Relationship? When You Start Feeling Like Roommates couples desire intimacy Dec 16, 2014

The term "sexless marriage" gets a lot of attention, but relationships are often "touchless" long before anyone calls them sexless.

When I first wrote this, I'd just watched the movie Le Week-End (2013), about a British couple who return to Paris after 30 years of marriage to re-create their honeym...

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Let's Rebrand Foreplay couples intimacy pleasure Oct 02, 2014

Let's do it! Right here, right now, let's forever change what we refer to as "foreplay" to something else. Let's rebrand foreplay to more accurately represent these sex acts for what they are. First off, it's all play. Sex is, at its finest, adult play. It is how we adults have a good time, let off ...

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When Self-Reliance Makes It Hard to Let Someone In couples intimacy relationships May 12, 2014

Many of us are brought up to believe that self-reliance is one of the most important qualities to cultivate. And it is.

But there's a flip side. Too much self-reliance can work against you, getting in the way of personal growth and of bonding, in short-term and long-term relationships alike.

As a ...

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